If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
