She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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