The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
