i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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