this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
