You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
