If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
