just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
