You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
