Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
