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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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