She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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