She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
