So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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