It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
