Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
