You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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