Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
