I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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