We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
