gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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