in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
