Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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