Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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