I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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