I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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