Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I want her autograph on my taint
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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