I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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