literally had 100 drinks last night.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
