Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
