somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
