The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
