Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize
