I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
