So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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