you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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