it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
