I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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