that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
