Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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