some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
