I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
