The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
