24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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