please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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