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I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
