Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
