I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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