You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
