All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
