The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
