Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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