Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
